NAMI Walk in Memory of Alan

My brother dying this past November has unquestionably been the hardest loss of my life.

But in the midst of this horrible event, I have been surrounded by grace and kindness. So many of you, dear friends have made me dinner, made conversation, sent messages... and just all around excused my behavior. There have been days I was a walking zombie, and days I was angry, and days I did little more than cry. Sometimes, I did all three. Simultaneously.

I realize that you don't expect me to be the most perfect version of myself all of the time. And maybe you didn't always know what to do with me. But, so many of you have held me in your love and light while I tried to move forward. Thank you. Really.

But, if you know me, you know that I cannot help but frame my loss within the larger society in which we live. In rural Wisconsin (and many other places), we have a culture that endorses heavy drinking. This culture also encourages men to not express emotions. And if they must express something, the most acceptable thing is anger. Anger is manly. Men and boys are encouraged to own and use guns. Ostensibly for hunting. But I know far more men with guns than I know hunters. It turns out that getting up at the crack of dawn to freeze all day in the hopes of spotting a deer is much more taxing than simply purchasing a firearm. Either way, binge drinking beer is the expected close to many days.

Combine all of that with the stigma of seeking out help for processing or dealing with emotions and we have a recipe for death. Because men and women alike all still feel things. Even if they don't have an outlet for expressing them. Not teaching boys how to name their feelings, and respond to them constructively isn't fair to them or the rest of us. And the combination of alcohol and guns easily becomes lethal.

I wonder if I can communicate how I feel about this clearly, and without offending anyone, but perhaps I can't. I know that when there are so many questions left unanswered, we all try to fill in the blanks as best as we can. So I hope others who have filled in the blanks differently will forgive my interpretations.

The larger debate happening in our country right now about gun control is painful to me. And I am mostly unable to follow it. I have to wear a seat belt when I get into my own car. And I'm not allowed to drive drunk. These laws are in place to prevent me from hurting myself or others. And there is a reasonable chance I will get caught if I don't buckle up or if I drink and drive. If there were an equivalent with gun usage and ownership, many lives would be saved. And that's really all I can say about it.

We all have our own ways of making sense of Alan's death. And this is mine. 


While that debate rages on, I return to the reality of today, and what is before me. I do not have the political energy for looking at or talking about guns. But I can raise money for mental health awareness. Because whatever happened that night at my brother's house, I am confident he could have chosen other ways to respond. I have to respect his decision, because it was his. But I wish he had known another way out. I wish he had the tools and opportunities to respond differently. Even if Alan wasn't mentally ill, the choice he made was not a healthy one. And since I can't reach out to him anymore, I want to reach out to the people whose lives can still be touched.  As a mental health researcher, this is the best way I know how to respond. Though it most certainly is not the only one.

The National Alliance on Mental Illness supports families and persons affected by mental illness. They are a national grassroots organization founded in Wisconsin, and they offer community-based resources and trainings designed to raise awareness, reduce stigma and support families. They are the kind of organization that could have taught my brother other versions of masculinity by offering him other outlets and ways to process whatever he was going through that day. And they strive to make seeking out that kind of help more mainstream and acceptable. In fact, they are currently hosting an on-going discussion about the relationship between better mental health care and gun violence. My team, Team Bandit, walked in Dane County in 2011, raising more than $5,000.00. This year, my goal is to double that and raise $10,000.00 in North Carolina in memory of my brother.

Please join with me. Your solidarity has helped me to grow and heal in the face of an enormous tragedy. You can join the team or donate. There is no minimum required donation to join. $5 from any of you will help shine a light in my life and others as we all struggle to find a way to make sense and move on. The walk is on May 4th in Raleigh. And whether you can be there in person or not, you are more than welcome to become an e-team mate. Donations are largely electronic, so if you'd like to help raise money in Alan's memory, you can do that from anywhere.

We couldn't have been there that night. But we hold the power to help create the kind of world we want to live in. And NAMI is one way to get closer to that vision.

It won't fix everything. But we have to do something.

In love and light...

Namaste.