Becoming our own heroes.

Yesterday I met with an academic who I aspired to be like. Until yesterday, I would have described him as one of my few remaining heroes.

I feel like growing up is the slow giving away of illusions about the people and institutions you admire most. I still remember the first time I saw my mother cry. I was ten. I was shocked. Moms didn't cry! They were invincible! It turned out she was just a regular person, just like me. This shook my world. But there were infinitely more heart-wrenching moments too.

The first big fall for me was Dolly Parton. Five year-old Sandy thought she was amazing. I wanted to be just like her. She was on Lambchop and everything! But then I asked my mom and found out... her body wasn't real. Not only was it pretend, but I'd never look like her. None of us would. I felt betrayed. I stared at a naked Barbie angrily. No one told me I wouldn't look like that. What else was I going to lose before I even had it?

There were bigger heroes, and smaller ones too, as the years went on. I stopped attending church for a year once, when I heard a pastor admonish a packed sanctuary of worshipers for coming only because 9/11 had scared them. I thought it was his job to welcome everyone, in all of their imperfections, not provide a guilt trip in a time of fear. I left, with my face darkened. He was supposed to lead the way. I wanted someone else to be in charge.

I got older. The list grew longer. I wanted to be a CEO. Then I was sexually harassed at my business school. If that didn't raise doubts, soon a dean tried to silence me when I wrote about what happened. I stopped reading the Wall St. Journal. I realized I wasn't going to be Carly Fiorina. I left business that year. I didn't believe in my professors anymore, or my dean, or the young men who thought I was their object, not to mention a field that nurtured this kind of person... a stained glass window of illusions shattered.

Some of these losses were more necessary than others. We all must realize someday that our parents are human, even if they may first seem like superheroes. We also must come to terms with the physical realities of our human bodies. Not only will we not look like Dolly Parton, but we will all get sick and die, sooner or later. Faith is a tougher area. Losing faith in your pastor, or your church, or divinity at all can be incredibly painful. Losing your vision of your career can be damaging in a different way as you try to navigate an as-yet-unformed future identity; yet it can also be empowering. Sometimes these losses lead us to greater truths and new selves. I acknowledge the power of these moments for giving clarity.

At age 28 I realize how few people and institutions are left for me to admire. MLK jr.cheated on his wife endlessly. So did Rumi. Monasteries can become cults. Politics are a circus. It has been a long time since I saw a politician I believed in. Law only intervenes when things have become so bad, so incredibly bad, that there is simply no other way. And even then, it is often impotent. And so, I look around, and wonder, where are my heroes? Who are my models? It's not that I think the world is a terrible place, it is that I struggle to find the people who I could aspire to be like.

Perhaps I should lower my standards. Perhaps I shouldn't demand to be inspired. Perhaps I am just asking for too much.

But that is not the answer I choose.

I want to imagine a world where people become fully themselves. In this world, they work in jobs they love, in ways that help and grow their communities. And they do so with a heart of service and humility. This world has kind bosses who support their employees, and challenge them to be as bright and wonderful as they were created to be. I want to envision leaders who leave their egos at home, and set aside the allure of power, for something longer-lasting and far greater. I want to live in a world where people who haven't known homelessness find empathy for those who do, and where it is not okay to be racist, sexist, homophobic or hurtful. Not ever. A world where people can talk about fear, and move through it, but not be guided by it. I want to live in a world where kids who are abused have a functional foster care system to be sent to, and more legislative protections to get them there in the first place. I want to be in a world where academics who spend years building their careers do so for the difference they can make, not just to have more forums to hear themselves talk. I want to live in a world where hurting people is never the answer. Not as a policy decision, not interpersonally. I want the violence to stop with me.

Wisconsin State Capitol protests 2011

I am looking around, at another polemic political season, and it has never been clearer to me: it is up to us. Not just to go out and vote or donate time or money, but to live every moment of our lives as if we are striving to become exactly the kind of person we would look up to. To create that vision when it is missing, and to enact it may not bring back my childhood dream of being Dolly Parton, but it perhaps it can nurse the wounds of disillusionment. Perhaps by looking inward we can create the kind of outward reality that might inspire others. We may not all become presidents, or CEO's or best-selling authors, but we are all somewhere on this planet. And from our position, however great or small, we must become our own inspirations. Be the person who finds material success but remains humble. Be the person who leads with kindness, not arrogance or anger. Be the person who sees something broken and fixes it. Be the person who ends cycles of violence, because you are made of love.

Perhaps I haven't been able to find my heroes around me, because I didn't realize I was supposed to become my own hero. Maybe it is time to start looking there.