Save Yourself

I was pretty sure I was handling things well.

I went to seminars all day for a week, and came home at night and did work.  I created a to-do list of all I'd need to have ready for my data collection trip, for my ASA trip, for my actual travel logistics of a Chapel Hill to Phoenix to Santa Fe to Denver to New York to Home trip. And BAM, I figured out a way to keep my house pee-free with a combination of belly bands, diapers and onesies.

I was on it.

Had it all together.

Then I found out I got a grant to study empathy. EMPATHY. How awesome is that?

Pretty damn good week. I got external funding. For the coolest project ever. For something I submitted right after Bandit's accident when I was sleeping a max of two hours at a stretch.

ROCK STAR.

Sure, I had to get up in the middle of the night with Bandit after all of this happened. Turns out the belly band use had created a horrible rash and my little man was in unbearable pain.

And then my director emailed me: I had not followed proper grant application protocol. Instead of celebrating, I would have to answer to several UNC departments. In writing. In person. Over the phone. Repeatedly.

The word "groveling" may have been used.

But. Whatever. UNC has always had an epic amount of bureaucracy.

There were the things I wanted to do: my writing. There were things I had to do: studying for my data trip, and prepping my materials. Write a research statement, a practice cover letter, a teaching statement. Emails. Oh Emails. Cleaning my apartment. Errands for my trip.

I'm not sure precisely when I realized something was wrong.

Maybe it was after I'd asked a professor I only see at ASA to meet with me there. Only to not respond to her enthusiastic reply.

Maybe it was when I fell asleep right after dinner, and woke up more than an hour later, panicked that I'd lost that time to work, rather than saying to myself "wow, I must have really needed that sleep."

Maaaybe it was when I realized "I just have to get through this week" turned into "month" turned into "When is November?"... to "No, I have three trips in November. Dear God."

It snuck up on me. I was juggling everything. And then, Bandit's new physical therapist started talking about his inevitable limitations, and how he'd be incontinent forever, and not be able to get onto a couch. And part of my brain thought "she can't know all of this after thirty minutes with him." And "No one knows when his healing will stop, all that we know is where he is now, and that the healing is continuing so far." But part of me was crushed.

Crushed under the weight of three simultaneous research projects, and the writing that follows them. Crushed under the uncertainty of my dog's health and well-being. Crushed under a schedule that went from "wide open" to "good luck finding five minutes to pee!"

"Maybe I just need to be more realistic about Bandit," I thought. "Yeah, maybe if I give up on him, he'll achieve his fullest potential!" I retorted, to myself. (Just one more awkward indication of how much time I spend alone...)

I am spectacularly bad at realizing I need to take breaks. I will spend 13 hours traveling and expect to bounce out of bed the next morning like a daisy. If I get a lot done during the day, I want to keep at it at night BECAUSE I'M ON A ROLL.

Right now, that feels like a drug to me. Being on a roll. I am a woman who couldn't read for months. Who couldn't write for longer. Who basically lost all ability to be a productive adult in any sense. I struggled to walk my dog and eat food. Being able to actually DO things. To FINISH things. That is a drug. Because I didn't have that for so long. And I realized how important meaningful work is. I learned what my life would be like if I had no vocation. No day job. No work.

It isn't pretty.

Not least of all, because there is not an endless supply of episodes of Vampire Diaries... Nor should there be.

This is one of those lessons that keeps appearing in my life, because no matter how many times I think I've learned it, I forget, again and again. Right now I'm on my data-collection trip. During lunch breaks I try to grab my food quickly and squirrel back to my room because I am convinced I have 800 things to do that all need to be done before I got here, and I can't figure out which is the most important, so I sit there, staring at my kale salad, paralyzed.

Do I wrap up that article that is so closed to being finished but requires a really thorough double-checking of my results section? Do I finish those job market materials so I can talk to people at ASA and even show them what I have? Do I update my jobs spreadsheet which has already grown to monstrous proportions, largely populated by jobs I have no business (or interest really) in applying for? Maybe I should be taking more field notes RIGHT NOW?! Maybe I should be typing up my notes from yesterday. MAYBE I SHOULD BE DOING AN INTERVIEW. MAYBE I SHOULD BE RUNNING A TRIATHLON WHILE I STAND ON MY HEAD!!!!!! I mean, when was the last time I worked out?! I haven't run once in the 100+ degree Phoenix heat!!!

You may have had your own version of this at some point.

Generally, when I see people doing this, I want to shake them, tell them to calm the fuck down, and then I want to run and hide from them, worried that their mindset is catching. (Because I truly believe that it is contagious).

The truth is that even if I finish any of those things on my list, part of me is still going to feel panicked if I keep thinking like this, because you know what? It's impossible to get all of that done while in class for 8-12 hours a day, where I am not only learning material, but also taking field notes, and recruiting people to interview. Yeah, even my simplest activity is not that simple anymore. I always think that I can or even SHOULD get extra work done when I'm already on a work trip, but the truth is that any extra work that gets done is icing. Conferences already are work. Field research is work. Traveling: yes just simple sheer traveling, is work. Even the idea that I was going to squeeze in interviews with people after they got out of class from 9am to 9pm was absurd. Who is going to want to be interviewed then!? And we have phones: it's not like I *have* to do it this way!

This morning I was supposed to be in class by 9 again. AND I COULDN'T MISS EVEN A SECOND BECAUSE WHAT IF I MISSED SOMETHING IN MY FIELD NOTES!?!?!

But every moment I was sitting in class I was thinking ten other things "I wish I could be on my computer now." "I have to remember to email that woman back." "I wonder if I should have taken more notes yesterday." "How do people actually write ethnographies anyway? What if I collect all this data and there's nothing in it?"

You might be able to guess how much I was not 1. learning the material, 2. enjoying the company of friends, 3. getting absolutely anything at all out of each moment that was passing. I wasn't present at all!

The answer I have found when I begin to feel like this is always the same. Do less. Not more.

My job market materials don't really need to be ready last week. This article is so close to being done: it's OK if it gets turned in August 14th instead of today. And, it's probably OK if I haven't run the last few days: my legs have not actually fallen off. The truth is that maybe I COULD do it all, but, I could also be realistic about the lack of sleep and mental sanity that would accompany that goal.

So I turned my clock around to face the wall, made some coffee, meditated as long as I felt like, did some yoga, and only then did I start to get ready for the day. I sat down at my computer, breakfast on the table, and I asked what I needed... and it was some quiet time to write. For myself.

And I took it.

And now I will be late. And not the "whoops I'm five minutes behind" kind of late.

And since I am much calmer now, I can tell you: I don't think the world will end.

So if you see me in the next two weeks and it seems like I've forgotten this, may your own calmness and peace be contagious to me as well. Or vice versa.

If you can relate to any of this and you're not opposed to Oprah, this might just be the perfect time to join me in Deepak Chopra's 21-day meditation challenge, which very conveniently starts tomorrow.

But if you see me in the next two weeks and I am stressed out because I didn't do my daily meditation challenge...

Don't even bother shaking me. At that point, I fully endorse and encourage you to simply run and hide.

Save yourself.

Namaste