"Have fun with your dog"

Before we go any further with a Valentines day post, I have to confess, I do in fact have plans tonight.

We've found the darkest restaurant possible. I wouldn't want people to recognize me and realize I'm eating with a friend (who happens to be engaged to someone else), rather than the love of my life. I thought about wearing sunglasses so people couldn't recognize me at all, but I realized, that would defeat the purpose, since I do want to be seen. I mean, that's kind of the point, right?

I'd post the pictures of the flowers my dog gave me, but honestly, they wouldn't even fit in the screen of your computer, so you'll just have to imagine how enormous they must be.

And I'd show you the gorgeous dress I plan to throw on after my yoga and meditation groups tonight, but, it's a surprise that I can't unveil until my date. My friend would be sooooo disappointed if I shared that with all of you first. I mean, he's going to be on the edge of his seat all day, just dying to know if it's going to be yoga pants, sweatpants or a ball gown... not unlike the one Belle wears in Beauty and the Beast.


Sure, I've been in relationships on Valentines day before.

Have you noticed that if your partner doesn't get you the flowers and chocolate that you feel like you are somehow violating a social contract that you're both required to fulfill?  He's in trouble, and you are trying to smile as if you didn't really realize it was the 14th anyway. I mean, it's just a Hallmark Holiday anyway, right? You sputter because you are embarrassed that your anti-capitalist, feminist, independent woman self cares. But you do, somehow. Because these are symbols of "Love." And hey, symbols are powerful!

And if he does get the flowers and the chocolate, you check in with yourself and you're like "that's weird... I mean... I like flowers, but you're allergic to pollen and I'm allergic to chocolate, so what are we doing?" Ok, I realize maybe most of you aren't actually allergic to chocolate, but I am, and I think almost everyone I've ever dated is allergic to pollen, so this is how it goes for me anyway.

And feel free to stop reading now, because just like you probably can't have a valentines day that isn't either cheesy or sad, this post isn't even going to try to be anything but cliche. Because on Valentines Day, perhaps more than most other days, we have Expectations. Capital-E-Expectations. So just like I want to wear that dress above, maybe with some Tinkerbell fairy wings... maybe you want to have chocolates, or more accurately, the perfect relationship. Or if nothing else, you want to not seem like the loser who doesn't have these things, because that's kind of the bare minimum you feel like you can tolerate in terms of pain or humiliation or whatever you're feeling.

Hey, I hear you. When my bosses scheduled our meetings for today around one of their V-day plans, and the other turned to me and said "have fun with your dog" yeah, I got the message... there are all of these "shoulds" and "supposed-to's" and they are amplified on a day like today when we have these capital-E-Expectations. (I mean, they obviously didn't know what amazing flowers he would get me). But expectations are just thoughts. And thoughts are not reality. And honestly, humiliation is an emotion just like any other. What does it feel like? Does it have a color? A temperature? A longing? Is there something underneath it? Maybe something beautiful? Like the fact that you are capable of loving deeply? And worthy of love too?

I'm not trying to give you a pep talk here. I mean, I'm the one going to the darkest restaurant possible, while debating wearing sunglasses. I'm just suggesting two things:

1. When we have expectations, we can get stuck on wanting things to be a certain way, which can be really painful. And often, if we think about it, what we're expecting doesn't even make sense for us. It's someone else's should that we've internalized. And maybe we could look at it and see if it even makes sense for us before we get our undies all in a bundle. And maybe there's something else happening that's fabulous that we're missing because now we have a huge wedgie.

2. Disney makes some pretty fabulous dress-up clothes and I'm unable to accept that they can't make them in larger sizes. So, that is what I plan on suffering about today. But hopefully, it's a kind of grief or pain I can get in touch with as deeply as possible, so that the next time I see Belle's dress in a store, I can be that much closer to accepting that she and I do not have the same proportions and I am just going to have to wear something else... even on Valentines Day.

Fortunately, I now own multiple pairs of sweatpants. And, even more importantly, can still make fun of myself, which is something I can love, any day of the year.

<3